A Monster Within Me

Today I have been sick for 9 months.

Most of the time when I tell people how long it's been, people give me a really weird reaction. They extend pity and sympathy, which is kind, but it's not what I'm looking for. I see this as a milestone; while I'm not happy about my circumstances, the joy of the Lord penetrates the worst of circumstances. He redeems the worst people and the worst trials to make His beauty known. The nine month mark of being sick is evidence of that to me; I see not nine months of trial but nine months of grace.

My life has completely changed since getting sick. It started with a stabbing pain in my left foot in the way home from a road trip with friends, an unusual and alarming pain that wouldn't go away. I was then diagnosed with a neuroma. After a while it spread to two, three...six neuromas, an unheard of diagnosis. I was diagnosed with tarsal tunnel, a pinched nerve in my ankle. But the pain spread and became unilateral (both feet), then soon I had unilateral carpal, cubital, and tarsal tunnels--pinched nerves in both of my wrists, elbows, and ankles, respectively. Another unheard of diagnosis. It spread to my lower back, arms, and made half of my left hand numb. I was tested for frightening and untreatable autoimmune diseases. We ruled out rare conditions that cause a painful and short life. The pain got worse and continued to spread--my shoulders, my neck, my face. The doctors are stumped.

Daily life looks completely different now. It's structured around taking medications, putting everything on hold for doctors appointments, and canceling weeks of my life when I'm in too much pain to get out of bed. The braces around my back, elbows, and wrists restrain me like this disease has restricted my life. I know all too well the side effects of medications: getting dizzy and lost on an elevator, days of nausea, the cripling effect of brain fog, drunkenly falling out of bed, feeling like I'm losing my mind. Constant pain serves as a constant reminder for my imperfections.

I know the fear of not knowing what's happening to my body, if I'll ever be well again, or if I'll ever live a normal life. There's a monster inside of me, and I don't know its name. Is it eating me away? Or are the remedies I use to make it through each day what are destroying me? Should I fear liver damage from my medications or long term nerve damage from this disease? Should I fear for my life?

I hate this monster. I hate what it has done to my life. If I could kill him without destroying myself, I would.

But when I don't know what to fear, I learn not to fear.

I have lost many things from being sick. Opportunities, comfort, friendships, freedom, the ability to perform simple tasks, even my handwriting has changed. I say all of this because I have learned the following:

A thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) 

I am incredibly weak, in some of the most practical and obvious ways. Some days I am too physical weak to stand and must be carried to the bathroom. Other times my medication changes my ability to think so drastically that friends and family must take care of me, help feed me, and walk me across the street because I am too sick to notice the oncoming cars. I go days, even weeks feeling like a stranger with a different personality. Even in the midst of this trial, I still struggle with turning to God but instead react to pain with anger and sin--I am so spiritually weak in the simplest ways. And goodness gracious am I emotionally weak, like I never knew I could be. I feel frail and worn out, I'm exhausted and sometimes feel hopeless.

I am not complaining. I am boasting.

God has allowed this to happen. This does not make me angry at Him. I get angry sometimes that I am sick, but He has continually shown me that He is still good. He allowed me to be sick because somehow, in a way I cannot understand, me being sick for 9 months is what glorifies Him the most. I hate the monster that reminds me of my fallen state and the imperfections of this world. My eyes are opened to a new level of suffering that so many experience much worse than I can comprehend, and I long for the return of Christ when sin and evil and pain will end forever.

I hate this monster, but I love the Father who uses even the worst evil to teach us of His love. I now know what depending on Him for daily bread feels like. I have learned to not trust my own plans for the future, whether it's plans for the weekend or the summer or my life, I never know what my health will be doing. With so many misdiagnosises and now being undiagnosed, I have learned not to lean entirely on my own and my doctor's understanding but take comfort that God knows everything. My Maker holds my health, and I'm learning to let that be enough.

I've prayed Psalms from the inside of an MRI machine. I've joked with nurses while they draw my blood and hook me up to IVs. I've almost fainted in a professor's office. I've been carried through a McDonald's. I've had to ask for help. I've had to let others love and serve me. I've seen people fail me and had to forgive them.

This is not the life I would have chosen, but there is a Savior who has chosen me for it. There is a peace that passes all understanding. I am as undeserving of this peace as I am of the grace that gets me through each day and the love that surrounds me and overflows my cup.

It's been nine months. Nine hard months, but nine of the richest months I've ever experienced. This isn't the anniversary of the day I lost something, but the day God moved my life in a direction I hadn't anticipated. As a Puritan prayer puts it:

"I rejoice to know that all things are at Thy disposal, and it delights me to leave them there."

Resting in the sovereignty of our Lord,
Happy 9 months.

Water is the New Sidewalk

The past six months have been phenomenal--I've learned so much, depended on God in new ways, made new friends, transitioned to a new phase of life, and grown up a lot. I love my life right now. 

About a week ago, I passed the six month mark on when a weird pain started in my foot. Since then the pain has moved to nearly every other area of my body; it has manifested in many different ways, I've been to more doctors than I can remember, tried more medications than I care to think about, and been tested for diseases I hadn't known existed. It's funny, though, how normal this all seems. Wearing braces, keeping track what of time I take what medication, limping, and planning out my days to avoid walking as much as possible is routine for me now. 

You can get used to doing what it takes to get by, but not the pain itself. I don't think you can ever get used to chronic pain--the stabbing pain with each step, the sudden sharp cramps, the numbness, the tingling, or the worry of noticing when something else is wrong. There are times when I feel almost hopeless--like my body is refusing to work, falling apart, shutting down on me and no one can figure out why. But I'm not hopeless, and I never will be. There really is a "peace that passes all understanding," a God-given ability to "rejoice in the Lord always," and a "joy [that] comes in the morning." 

Yesterday my pastor talked about Jesus walking on water and storms in our lives. He said that God allows storms for a reason, and when the reason is fulfilled the storm will end. He showed how when Peter focused on Jesus the storm was not important, and only when he his attention strayed from Jesus did he sink. Whatever the purpose of this particular storm, apparently it is not fulfilled. That is encouraging to me--I have learned so much already, and there is more yet to be learned. I look forward to the day when I can walk normally, run around and be goofy, not have to worry about having my orthotics and braces and all my medications each morning, wear whatever shoes I want, serve others instead of always being served, stand on my toes, prop myself up on my elbows, and not have to take breaks from sitting up to go lay down. But there is purpose for pain, there is joy in suffering, and every flare has that beautiful moment when I realize my pain has subsided. 

I've learned to depend on others. I've learned to discern when to ask for help when I need it and to suck it up. I've stopped caring about what other people think while I adjust my noisy back brace, limp, shake the bottle of Tums in my backpack with each step, look terrible because it took all my energy to get out of bed, and miss out on fun events because of my pain. Well, I should say, I'm learning to do all of these things. It's still a struggle, but one day I will get there. There is a time when the purpose of the storm will be fulfilled and the seas will calm. Until then, I will keep looking at Jesus and walking on water.

Well, limping on water. 

Norma McCorvey, or "Jane Roe" of Roe v Wade

Most people know that Roe v Wade is the case that legalized abortion. Some people know the details of the case, and even fewer know anything about the woman named "Jane Roe" who made the case happen. "Jane Roe" is a woman named Norma McCorvey. I read her book Won By Love a few years ago, and right now I'm in the middle of I Am Roe. Both are incredible reads, but I don't think one should be read without the other. I would definitely recommend them. The life of the woman who became "Roe" is really remarkable, and something that should be taken into account when looking at the abortion movement as a whole.

Definitely go read the books. McCorvey's life is heartbreaking at times; she needed the love of Christ but could only find drugs, alcohol, and one night stands. Won By Love tells of how she came face-to-face with the love that she desired, and in the most unlikely place imaginable: the young daughter of a pro-life advocate who worked next door to McCorvey's abortion clinic. Through the love offered by the people who should be her worst enemy, McCorvey met Christ and eventually became pro-life. I don't think I've ever read a more moving testimony of God working in someone's life.

Abortion and Cannibalism

Warning: this post is about a very gruesome topic. I believe understanding the abortion industry and culture is important, but it's definitely not for everyone. I strongly caution you before reading on. 

I get daily email updates from many different pro-life news sources. I at least skim all of them, and if the title of an article catches my interest then I'll read the entire thing. Because of this I've found countless resources, beautiful testimonies, and encouraging updates about new abortion laws in place in North American and Europe. However, there is a downside.

I have also read countless horrifying articles. News reports from policemen going into abortion clinics that have never been inspected. Rusty instruments, patients' medical documents strewn around, no medical waste bins, blood-splattered freezers filled with jars of aborted babies. The worst, though, is the cannibalism.

Krishna Rajanna 

An abortionist named Krishna Rajanna was caught dumping medical records in a recycling bin. Being a "doctor," he should now that in his state, a patient's sensitive medical records must be kept by the doctor for ten years, then disposed of with a shredder or by burning them. When he was inspected, authorities found his abortion clinic was a horrendous mess. The chaos of his clinic lead to him (either accidentally or on purpose) eating a fetus, though I will spare you of the details. As I said at the beginning, understanding the abortion industry has its place, but there are horrifying details that are hard to get past. If you want to learn more, though, here are the two articles and the police report about him.

So there's one abortion doctor, but are there other connections between abortion and cannibalism? Recent reports show: yes.

China's infamous one-child policy leads to millions of abortions and infanticides each year in an attempt to cut down the population (by half? How can a country stand to lose half its population in one generation? But that's another post for another time). A pharmaceutical company learned how to profit on these millions of deaths. They found they can buy the cadavers of babies killed through infanticide or abortion, dehydrate them, make them into pills, then sell them pills as "stamina boosters." When people were caught smuggling them into South Korea, the pills were taken and tested for DNA.

They were 99.7% human.

More than 17,000 pills were found being smuggled from China to South Korea. How many more are there?

This is very troubling to me. Are there other connections between abortion and the horrendous practice of cannibalism? It makes sense, if life can be thrown away with a couple hundred dollars then what makes a deceased persons' body sacred? What should tell us to give any respect to the bodies of the dead? What's the difference between the meat of a human and that of a chicken or a pig or a cow?

This is why the fight for life is so important. We are so far from a culture of life, where every life is valued, respected, and been worthy of our protection. In a culture of life there is no abortion, no murder, no rape, no bullying, no selfishness. This is impossible for us to create because humanity is so broken and depraved. However, God already died for every sin, including abortion, infanticide, and cannibalism. He rose from the grave but left our sin there. He and only He can create a culture of life.

Grace

On Wednesday I give a 20 minute speech I've been working towards all semester on a paper I focused on all last semester. It's the capstone project of not only senior year, but of all of my papers and speeches in highschool. This is the worst possible week for me to get sick.

Last night one family member was up vomiting all night, another woke up with a cold so bad she cannot speak.

What a reminder that everything I do is because of God.

The One With Planned Parenthood and the NBA and Hitler and Some Other Stuff

Well guess what. After I thought I had finally gotten in the groove of keeping up with a blog, I fell right back out of said groove. I went to Florida for the week to go scuba diving followed by a week of spring break (meaning no school to procrastinate from, thus no motivation for blogging), then the final home stretch of senior year began when there's simply no time for procrastination. I graduate from high school in 28 days, which either means I'll hit another gold mine of blogging inspiration or you wont hear from me at all. I'm rather unpredictable. But for the moment, I chose procrastination over writing four papers and a speech.

In other news, be sure to check out my nifty little poll in the right side of the page (---> that way's right) and let me know what you think. I'm absolutely sure more consistent writing will help my blog out a bit, but for some reason I'm still incapable of that one. I'm working on it.

Also! Abortion news, cause there's been a lot. Here's the most interesting, exciting, resourceful, inspiring, and thought provoking bits of abortion news. And one completely unrelated and under-viewed Youtube video that will probably make your day. No, it will make your day.

Cecile Richards

Interesting. Time Magazine released their 2012 Top 100 Most Influential People in the World list, and again it included Planned Parenthood's CEO Cecile Richards. Of the 25 people in the list who received more negative votes than positive on Time's website, Richards' had the most negative votes by far. (45,395 for Richards' compared negative runner-up Mitt Romney with 14,003). Richards placed 84th this year and 69th last year. (Article)

Exciting. Mississippi might be the first state to become abortion-free due to new regulations for clinics. Abortion doctors are required to have hospital connections in case of emergency in the abortion surgery, something the remaining Mississippi abortion doctors do not have. Pro-choice activists are fighting this legislation, which I find very curious. Why are so-called women's rights activists fighting legislation that would save women's lives? Why not spend your time and effort protecting women from unsafe abortions?

Resourceful. In honor of Hitler's birthday yesterday, go watch this thought provoking 30-minute movie.

JaVale McGee 

Inspiring. Anyone remember the connection between Tim Tebow and abortion? His mother's doctor recommended an abortion during her high-risk pregnancy, but she refused. Thanks to her brave decision, one of the most popular NFL players is still alive and well today. A similar story came out about NBA's JaVale McGee. His mother was scheduled to have him aborted, but after she suddenly began to reconsider and an answered prayer from God, she canceled her appointment. Now he's playing for the NBA and rocking a sweet name with four capitalized letters, of which I am a bit jealous. (Read article here).

Thought Provoking. And finally, Planned Parenthood decided to follow along in the footsteps of the widely successful 40 Day's for Life campaign by creating 40 Days for Prayer for Abortion. The reactions regarding this have been very interesting. Is this religious freedom? Is it sacrilege? Is it mocking 40 Days for Life? Is Planned Parenthood intimidated by the Christian group? Should we be outraged? I would say this should encourage us to pray for those in the pro-abortion movement who view themselves as Christians. Pray that God will work on their hearts and open their eyes. (Here's the article).

Completely Unrelated. And finally, to leave you with a good laugh. This is really old and really, really under appreciated. "I patrol the whole Canadian border from Washington State to Maine...State." Enjoy.

Lunchable

A couple thousand years ago when the Roman Empire was pretty big and Jesus was in the middle of preaching and doing miracles, something really incredible happened to a lunchable, twelve homeless guys, a little boy, and five thousand people.

The coolest lunchable-eating kid I could find
on Google Images. Look at that hair!

Jesus wanted to get away from people for a little bit, so he hopped in a boat. Generally boats are a pretty sure-fire way to get away from someone who's bugging you. I mean, I've never tried it, but you're completely surrounded by water and you have their boat, what could go wrong? Well, something went wrong for Jesus. 5,000 people ended up finding Him. If you don't know anything about Jesus, you need to know He has a heart of gold. Instead of being annoyed with His 5,000 fans/semi-stalkers, He had compassion on them and spent the day preaching and healing them. (By the time the healing went down they were back on land, thankfully. That would be tricky business.) In the evening the disciples decided it was time for the crowd to go away and get their own dinner. Instead, Jesus said, "They need not go away; give them something to eat." The disciples knew there were a ton of people there and they themselves were broke and homeless, they certainly couldn't feed 5,000 hungry people. So they turned to their best option for the crisis at hand: the little kid and his lunchable. They brought him to Jesus. 

The boy had five barley loaves and two fish. First off, that's probably not enough food for two people, much less 5,000! Secondly, barley loaves sound kind of gross, and thirdly, I'm picturing the fish raw and having sat in the sun all day. I certainly hope I am wrong, because that would smell terrible and be so gross. All that aside, a couple of pieces of bread and some nasty smelly fish isn't enough for 5,000 people, plus 12 disciples, plus Jesus! But the disciples, always being helpful, brought the boy to Jesus anyways. He told them to make everybody sit down and watch the Master. (Literally, Jesus is the Master. He's God.) 

That's right: lembas bread. 

"Jesus took the loaves, and when He had given thanks, He distributed them to those who had been seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted" (11). Get this-- Jesus made a little boy's lunchable (which I'm still convinced sounds nasty) feed a few thousand people. It's like He made barley bread into lembas bread. All the people had to do was sit down and wait for Jesus to provide. All the disciples had to do was have faith that God can make the ridiculous happen. All the boy had to do...well, he didn't have much choice. I guess the disciples kind of stole his lunch. 

We hear all the time about how we need to be like the little boy, and give God the little that we have and let Him use it. I realized this week that this story is so much more than that. I am the disciples, going on wild goose chases because God says so without knowing or understanding His will behind it all. ("Write a book for teenagers about abortion while in high school? I have no credentials. No one would want to read it. Abortion is so controversial, my voice will be lost in the noise. It wont go anywhere." Nobody would have been fed if the disciples had listened to thoughts like these. Just do the little God tells you to, having faith that it'll fit into His master plan, which is incredible.) I am the five loaves and two fish--kinda gross, really smelly, but God will break me and make me into something He can use. Who am I to hold back anything? I can be a smelly lunchable or a feast enough for 5,000. I am also the 5,000, just sitting back and waiting to receive God's gift without ever considering the price that was paid for it or the power it required. 

"And when they had eaten their fill, He told His disciples, 'Gather up leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost.' So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves left by those who had eaten" (12-13). When God provides, He doesn't provide just enough. He provides an incredible abundance.

Bonus round: when searching for a picture of lembas bread, I found a recipe. I love the internet and the nerdy people who inhabit it. And while finding the lunchable kid I discovered that pocket espresso exists. I'd say this was a successful blog post. 

October Baby: March 23!

The hardest part about pro-life work is treating it correctly. On one hand, abortion violently kills an innocent child. Meanwhile, the people in abortion clinics as employees and as scared girls who feel they have no other option are real people who really exist, not baby killing monsters. At the same time, countless women suffer silently from the pain of a past abortion or abortions. When educating people about abortion, what should our attitude be? Do we treat abortion like a genocide, like the holocaust? Do we speak about it sensitively and avoid talking about the baby all together as not to hurt a woman who has had an abortion? There are so many examples of people and organizations and articles (probably some of my own) veering too far on one side or the other.

On March 23 a movie called October Baby is coming to theaters. When I first heard of the movie a few months ago I was incredibly skeptical. I tend to be wary of Christian movies, music, and art in general. While it's certainly not always true, there is a lot of poor Christian art out there. However, when I had to privilege of seeing a prescreening of October Baby a few weeks ago all of those thoughts vanished. October Baby is a beautiful piece of art that tells a beautiful and heart wrenching story of very real characters. It's a stunning and quality movie with a strong Christian message. It's a movie about abortion, but it's doesn't feel like a movie about abortion. It's a story about people effected by abortion. It shows the abounding forgiveness and love of God after abortion, but it shows the pain it takes to get there. This film shows that abortion is murder, but it does so in the most stunning way I have ever seen.

On March 23 it comes to theaters, and I strongly recommend seeing it. See it twice! See it seven times! If it doesn't do well the first weekend it will leave theaters quickly, but this movie deserves being in theaters for a while. People need to see it.

I get so discouraged watching movies and TV shows that tear you down. While they're entertaining, they portray life so negatively. This movie, however, is absolutely beautiful while it shows that life has value and is worth living. It's honestly the only movie I can think of that has this message, a message the world is aching to hear!

Super Duper

While this blog may look like proof that I'm the most un-diligent person ever, I'm just so busy being diligent at everything else that I don't have time for blogging. That makes sense, right?

I have many things I could turn into entire posts, but I really don't feel like taking the time to write all of that, so I'll fall back to a super condensed combo-post with way too many unrelated things all mushed together. Cause that's what all the best bloggers do... I bet...

This post will mainly consist of things that I'm learning, in no particular order. I'm learning a super duper lot lately, and it's been amazing. Also, I should stop saying "super duper," because it makes me sound super duper unintelligent.

God is teaching me to let Him be strong in my weaknesses. I'm working on some very dark chapters right now, and it makes me feel so helpless against this evil. Abortion is huge and so devastating, I long to do something to end it. God has told me to do something, but it feels so small against everything working against me. What's more, I don't even feel like I'm capable of doing what He has given me to do. But, He is strong in my weakness. A friend pointed out to me that He wouldn't give me something to do that I can't, and I need to be weak so that He can be strong.

I love making London Fog Lattes, and I think when this blog post is done I will make one. (8 ounces extra strong earl gray tea, 6 ounces steamed milk, vanilla syrup to taste. Vanilla syrup is two parts sugar, one part water, and vanilla extract. You can thank me later.)

Also, God is so faithful, and He has my future in His hands. There are so many unknowns, but still my future looks bright and beautiful because He is already there. Also college. It's gonna happen.

Mumford and Sons' unreleased songs on Youtube are the best.

On the cross, God took my sin upon Him and gave me His righteousness. While I am not yet righteous and still sin, He sees me as already righteous. I have the capability of not sinning because of this. I am living in the already-but-not-yet. I love this so much.

Salutations,
Becca

You Are of More Value Than Many Sparrows

"Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Luke 12:6-7

His Voice

The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
He uttered His voice, the earth melted. 

Psalm 46:6

Luke 12:32

"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."-Jesus

And God Seeks What Has Been Driven Away

 "I perceive that whatever God does endures forever;
nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it.
God has done is, so that people fear before Him.
That which is, already has been;
that which is to be, already has been;
and God seeks what has been driven away."

-Ecclesiastes 3:14-15

If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all.

-Isaiah 7:9

Roe and Doe Oral Arguments Anniversary

(So much for not posting this week while I finish up the semester.) 

Today is the 40th anniversary of the first rounds of oral arguments for Roe v Wade and Doe v Bolton. 

Clark Forsythe of Americans United for Life wrote this article for LifeNews today, including links to transcripts and audio of both Roe and Doe arguments. 

Funny story: on Thursday I’m turning in a research paper on abortion history, but I was having trouble finding good transcriptions of the cases. Perfect timing. God provides again and again and again, ad infinitum. 

When People Become My Gods

My existence, my very being, rests on what God has done and continues to do.

They have done nothing for me compared to what He has done; He has expressed His love for me through Creation, atonement, grace, mercy, Christ's life, Christ's death, death's death at Christ's life, sanctification, faith, justification, seeing me as already righteous, common grace, continuing grace, never ending grace, by Him all thing are made and all things hold together.

Without Him, we are nothing.
Compared to Him, we are nothing.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief! 

-Mark 9:24

Mark 2:1-12

Today I was reading in Mark about when four guys lowered their paralytic friend down through a roof so that he could meet Jesus and be healed. I've heard this story a zillion times in Sunday school with the good 'ol flannelgraph, but today it got me thinking. To what lengths would I go to get my friend to Jesus? Would I drag him on top of a roof, bore a hole into said roof, and then carefully lower him down into a crowd of people surrounding Jesus?

I wonder if those guys knew how long their determination would last. With determination, creativity, and some faith they brought their friend to Jesus and watched him be healed and his sins be forgiven. Did they think the extra trouble they went to was worth it? They certainly didn't know their stunt would be recorded in Scripture and thousands of years later people would tell their story on flannelgraph. What if people remembered our deeds, hundreds or thousands of years from now? We don't know these guys' names, just their faith and what they did for their friend. What if people knew of our deeds in history books? What if we had that faith?

Just some thoughts.

New Friends

I'm on the process of learning something crazy. Did you know there are other teenagers passionate about abortion, besides me? Yeah, my mind is blown too. And they're pretty amazing people.

God gave me two new friends who are my age and have the same passion that I do. Every time I hear from one of them I get so excited. We can get excited and talk about stuff that all of our friends would roll their eyes about. It's like when you put two nerds in the same room, suddenly they're speaking a different language. I've never had that before, and it's awesome.

And yet again, God provides us with things we could never get on our own. Becca made a friend! :)

Read the amazing blog by one of my new friends, Aubry, here.

Bricks and Sucker Punches

A Bible study leader told me a few years ago to never ask God for a brick, because He will definitely send one. When you're praying about something and trying to make a decision, asking God to make it as clear as possible (like hitting you in the head with a brick) is very effective and often very painful. The example she used was when she was trying to decide whether or not to quit her job. She prayed and asked God to hit her with a brick, then the next day she got laid off. Apparently, God did want her to quit, so the brick He sent was doing it for her. I've asked God for a couple of bricks, and boy, they're painful. If you ask God to make something clear at the expense of your own comfort, He probably will.

This is how I feel today.

The past few weeks God has been speaking to me in another way, besides bricks. After studying Proverbs 31 with my Bible study I asked God to make me into a godly woman, the woman He made me to be. I wasn't looking for a brick this time, so instead He delivered a series of sucker punches to the gut. A lot of them. After lots of long conversations Saturday night with various people about all different topics, I sensed that God is creating tension in my life to make me grow. At church Sunday morning during the main service, God gave me a huge reality check about my life. Then in youth group, every single word my youth pastor said was another punch to my gut. I left church feeling completely pathetic and helpless. I'd let my attitude, focus, and motivation for everything I do get so far off track.


This morning, I looked at the question I have to answer this week for my manifesto I'm writing for school. It was another huge punch to my gut delivered by the fist of God's sovereignty. As I care for my wounded gut, I have to write a paper about all the areas of tension and change in my life. Time to get back on track about everything. Time to focus on God. Time to invest in a shield and a helmet maybe? Maybe just listen better, so God wont have to do this again.

Somehow, just focusing on God makes moments like these so much better. Instead of feeling pathetic, I'm trying to focus on God's love for me and His incredible, overwhelming forgiveness for my stupidity. This song describes that perfectly for me.

When you want God to change you or make something obvious for you, He will. Just know that it's not super pleasant. Sometimes it's more like being hit in the head with a brick or being punched over and over again.