"Sometimes I Wish I Had Cancer."

I found this article today and it nearly brought me to tears. I can relate to nearly every one of these points, and every time I've tried to explain it I just can't express it right. I'm not saying this to grasp for attention, I'm grasping for understanding.

I know many people have cancer, and it is definitely a dark and terrifying time. I'm not downplaying the terribleness of cancer, I just hope to help people understand that cancer is not the only or ultimate struggle. So many people experience the same sense that this article is expresses--that if only it was cancer, people would have some basis to understand.

And now, an article by another woman experiencing an invisible, misunderstood illness:

How many times have I heard people say "it could be worse, you could have cancer"... or anything of a similar vein.

... It drives me nuts.

One particular occasion I remember: I was speaking to a head pharmacist, someone with a degree in pharmacology, and I was inquiring about finding an effective pain killer for severe chronic neuropathic pain... (*1)

My specific question was "I'm currently having to use oral morphine, it doesn't work very well, but the injections do okay, what can you tell me about the patches?"

The response I got? I kid you not:

"But that's really for cancer patients"...

So this wont be the first time I've said this. And it probably wont be the last either.

Sometimes… I wish I had cancer.

I mean, looking at it - and I suspect much, if not all of this, is true for others too - just kinda makes why quite obvious:

Commonalities:

• I've got a shortened lifespan.
• If left untreated I die, pretty quickly too.
• I'm in immense amounts of pain on a daily basis.
• I'm exhausted with fatigue pretty much all the time.
• I have to take tons of medications, many of which make me sick.
• I feel nauseous pretty much most of the time no matter what.
• I have to attend an unpleasant treatment solution for several hours multiple times a week. (In fact, at my previous clinic we were next door to the chemo unit & shared a waiting room. Oh, and it also makes me horridly sick)

Differences:

• I don't have a possible cure, remission or recovery (Yes, if you are lucky enough to 'survive' cancer, you live the rest of your life with the possibility of a relapse or recurrence - but at least for awhile, you get your life back)
• I constantly have to explain that I am sick to people.
• I have to explain how I'm sick to people (sometimes even medical staff) and what that means in practical terms.
• I have to answer endless questions from people (many of which are so personal they actually have no right to even ask them)
• I have to re-explain things to people who are ignorant, don't understand, don't listen, or don't careabout my illness.
• I struggle to receive adequate treatment for my pain.
• I have been accused of drug seeking when trying to just get my meds.
• I have been accused of taking illegal drugs when I take only necessary pills. (Taking unnecessary ones could be incredibly dangerous for me - even if they're prescribed by medical personnel, I've nearly died from a medication reaction)
• I have been accused of overmedicating myself, when I'm usually careful to the point of under-medicating.
• I have had my needs ignored because my condition is "not serious",  not bad enough/that bad". "all made up", "psychosomatic", "just play acting", "being made out worse than it is" or "isn't real". Sometimes this has actively endangered my safety, health & wellbeing.
• I have been told "You're not really sick" or "You're not disabled" - last I checked I am unable to hold a job or pursue an education.
• I have also been excluded from things I should by rights be allowed for my disability, because I'm not "really disabled" or "disabled enough" or "don't look sick/disabled" - because I'm not in a wheelchair, blind, deaf and in my teens & twenties, obviously not elderly.
• I get asked "when will they cure it?" or told "oh, doctor's will fix that"... do people not understand what the term "chronic" means? In case they don't and are reading this: 1. Persisting for a long time or constantly recurring (which usually means the rest of your life), 2. Having such an illness, 3. Long-lasting and difficult to eradicate...

• I get told my meds make me worse...
• I get told I'm not following my treatment otherwise I would be better.
• I've been told I "shouldn't dwell on it" or "let it control me"
• I've been told I deserve to be sick.
• I've been told that if I were more moral/religious/positive/outgoing/insert-form-of-predominant-groupthink-mentality-here I would get better or wouldn't be sick.
• I've had people tell me that if I just did/tried XYZ it would solve all my problems. (Often XYZ is either something that I did try & it didn't work, or completely against my medical recommendations, sometimes it's just ridiculous)
• I've been accused of not wanting to get better or choosing to be sick.
• I have to justify practically every moment of my life to someone.

But mostly, because no matter what I do or say, no-one who isn't in a similar position will understand or at least accept & try to understand my situation properly or even to the same extent as people do when you say those three little words: "I have cancer"

So sometimes... I wish I had cancer instead.

***

1. For those of you not up on the terminology from everyday use, neuropathic pain means malfunction or damage of your peripheral and/or central nervous system, that includes your brainstem & spinal cord. If you've ever had shingles, then you have a pretty good idea of what I live with on the average day, on bad days, it feels simultaneously like being electrocuted at either odd intervals, or continuously, often along with a severe burning feeling. This is in fact, exactly the type of pain that a cancer patient may experience.
2. It's probably relevant enough that I should mention: Before the exchange, I specifically told her not only about my general neuropathy, but that my main concern was my Trigeminal Neuralgia, or if you've ever heard of it, it's probably by it's more common name "The Suicide Disease" - so called because as it has been described as probably "the most painful affliction known to mankind/medical practice." and left inadequately treated (which is sadly quite common since it is frequently misdiagnosed, usually unresponsive to anything except really high doses of serious painkillers: morphine injections may or may not work) otherwise happy & healthy people have literally tried (and quite a few succeeded: multiple attempts tend to have a higher success rate) to commit suicide in order to make the pain stop.

New Ministry: And Then There Were None

One of my favorite things about the pro-life movement is the diversity with in it. Abortion is a massive topic that touches every area of life--health, law, industries, economy, religion, the list is endless. Because it is not any one topic, there are hundreds of pro-life organizations and ministries that work on fighting abortion in all different ways. Many accuse the pro-life movement of only caring about the fetuses but kicking the mothers' to the curb. I've seen that to be entirely untrue. Many, if not most pro-life groups focus on the mother. This can mean teaching the truth about abortion, urging women to choose life, helping them in practical ways through their pregnancy, helping them after the baby is born, helping them if they choose adoption, and supporting women who have had abortions.

However, there seems to be a new aspect of abortion that seems rather untouched by ministries. That is, until now.

Abby Johnson was a Planned Parenthood clinic director for 8 years. She began as a volunteer clinic escort, then worked her way up until she ran an abortion clinic. Then one day, she was helping an abortionist perform an abortion. The abortionist wanted to use an ultrasound in order to see what he was doing inside of the woman, and Abby was the one performing the ultrasound. She was shocked by what she saw--not a clump of tissue, but a baby, fighting to stay away from the harmful abortion instruments.

With the help of people praying outside of her clinic during the first 40 Days for Life campaign, she quit her job. Despite the financial difficulties, the lawsuits from Planned Parenthood, the embarrassment of leaving her friends and coworkers to begin working with the "enemy," she walked away.

She later wrote a book titled Unplanned that tells the entire story--from the Planned Parenthood booth at the volunteer fair in college to her praying with 40 Days for Life outside of her old clinic for the first time.

Now for the exciting news: God is using Abby's experience working for Planned Parenthood and dodging bullets trying to get out. In a month she is beginning a new pro-life ministry that tackles ground we've never touched before: a ministry to help clinic workers emotionally, spiritually, legally, and financially. They will provide legal protection from attorneys, funds necessary to quit their jobs and still provide for their families until they find a new job, emotional support, and spiritual counselors to help them on the road to healing.

If you say you're pro-life, you need to be pro-all life. Including the lives (both material and eternal) of clinic workers, abortionists, men and women who suffer from past abortions, and pro-choice advocates. As well as the young, the old, those of a different race than your own, the handicapped, the depressed, the orphans, and the widows. It's a tall order. I'm excited the horizons are expanding for the pro-life movement and a new group of people will be reached.

Life and Death and Parks and Rec

Last week's episode of the best TV show ever, Parks and Recreation, brought up some interesting questions. When City Counsel candidate Leslie Knope accidentally insulted a man in a speech, only to find he had just died, people were horrified. What she said would have been fine if he had been living, but because he had recently passed away it was unacceptable. Now me, being the Parks and Rec fan and nerd that I am, couldn't help but ask questions.

What is it about death that makes us respect those who have passed?

We go to funerals of people we barely knew or aren't even fond of. Why is that? Why is insulting a deceased person extra offensive, even if it's the truth? Why do we honor the dead, even those whose life we never honored?

I think this has to do with our understanding and value of life. Which leads to more questions.

How much do you value life? If you had to put a price on it, what would it be? To what extent would you go to save the life of someone you love, somebody you know, or a stranger? Saving a life could mean jumping in a frozen lake to save a drowning person, pushing someone out of the path of an oncoming car, stepping in when a person is being mugged, preventing suicide, performing life saving surgery, being at the right place at the right time to call 911, or sending money to developing countries to provide food, water, and medicine to the poor. Whatever it may be, is it worth you sacrificing your time, energy, and resources for?

We all value life to some extent. It's not entirely about courage, bravery, or sacrificing. While that's definitely part of it, I think it's mostly about our value of life. Do we ever not value life enough? That's an extremely dangerous mistake to make, but I do it all the time. Where do we need to value life more? Whose life am I not valuing?

(Also, congratulations to Leslie for winning the campaign.) 

The One With Planned Parenthood and the NBA and Hitler and Some Other Stuff

Well guess what. After I thought I had finally gotten in the groove of keeping up with a blog, I fell right back out of said groove. I went to Florida for the week to go scuba diving followed by a week of spring break (meaning no school to procrastinate from, thus no motivation for blogging), then the final home stretch of senior year began when there's simply no time for procrastination. I graduate from high school in 28 days, which either means I'll hit another gold mine of blogging inspiration or you wont hear from me at all. I'm rather unpredictable. But for the moment, I chose procrastination over writing four papers and a speech.

In other news, be sure to check out my nifty little poll in the right side of the page (---> that way's right) and let me know what you think. I'm absolutely sure more consistent writing will help my blog out a bit, but for some reason I'm still incapable of that one. I'm working on it.

Also! Abortion news, cause there's been a lot. Here's the most interesting, exciting, resourceful, inspiring, and thought provoking bits of abortion news. And one completely unrelated and under-viewed Youtube video that will probably make your day. No, it will make your day.

Cecile Richards

Interesting. Time Magazine released their 2012 Top 100 Most Influential People in the World list, and again it included Planned Parenthood's CEO Cecile Richards. Of the 25 people in the list who received more negative votes than positive on Time's website, Richards' had the most negative votes by far. (45,395 for Richards' compared negative runner-up Mitt Romney with 14,003). Richards placed 84th this year and 69th last year. (Article)

Exciting. Mississippi might be the first state to become abortion-free due to new regulations for clinics. Abortion doctors are required to have hospital connections in case of emergency in the abortion surgery, something the remaining Mississippi abortion doctors do not have. Pro-choice activists are fighting this legislation, which I find very curious. Why are so-called women's rights activists fighting legislation that would save women's lives? Why not spend your time and effort protecting women from unsafe abortions?

Resourceful. In honor of Hitler's birthday yesterday, go watch this thought provoking 30-minute movie.

JaVale McGee 

Inspiring. Anyone remember the connection between Tim Tebow and abortion? His mother's doctor recommended an abortion during her high-risk pregnancy, but she refused. Thanks to her brave decision, one of the most popular NFL players is still alive and well today. A similar story came out about NBA's JaVale McGee. His mother was scheduled to have him aborted, but after she suddenly began to reconsider and an answered prayer from God, she canceled her appointment. Now he's playing for the NBA and rocking a sweet name with four capitalized letters, of which I am a bit jealous. (Read article here).

Thought Provoking. And finally, Planned Parenthood decided to follow along in the footsteps of the widely successful 40 Day's for Life campaign by creating 40 Days for Prayer for Abortion. The reactions regarding this have been very interesting. Is this religious freedom? Is it sacrilege? Is it mocking 40 Days for Life? Is Planned Parenthood intimidated by the Christian group? Should we be outraged? I would say this should encourage us to pray for those in the pro-abortion movement who view themselves as Christians. Pray that God will work on their hearts and open their eyes. (Here's the article).

Completely Unrelated. And finally, to leave you with a good laugh. This is really old and really, really under appreciated. "I patrol the whole Canadian border from Washington State to Maine...State." Enjoy.

Grammar Matters, People

When people type like THIS and like this it makes me feel as though I am being PUNCHED REPEATEDLY in ThE fAcE!

Seriously.

When People Become My Gods

My existence, my very being, rests on what God has done and continues to do.

They have done nothing for me compared to what He has done; He has expressed His love for me through Creation, atonement, grace, mercy, Christ's life, Christ's death, death's death at Christ's life, sanctification, faith, justification, seeing me as already righteous, common grace, continuing grace, never ending grace, by Him all thing are made and all things hold together.

Without Him, we are nothing.
Compared to Him, we are nothing.

One Third.

"At current rates, nearly one third of American women will have an abortion." That's four women in this Starbucks.

That was the final push I needed to finish chapter 1. It's about 5 pages long and desperately in need of a title and a good edit, but it's done. So much love is needed in this broken world, I pray God will use this chapter to help.

Where Are the Feminists Now?

***Edit: I lot of people seem to be missing my point here. I'm sorry for the ambiguity; please let me clarify. I am not blaming feminists for forced sterilization, forced contraception, and forced abortions in Asia. I am simply asking why they aren't fighting this more. If abortion is a fundamental right, then is it okay that it's being forced on women in Asia? It's starting to look like abortion is not equalizing men and women in Asia, rather being used to discriminate against women.

Abortion is used to kill women. There are currently 163 million more men than women in Asia. Why? Because 163 women have been killed. Whether you believe an unborn human, a fetus, is a life or a potential life (another argument for another time), you still can't say that 163 missing women is bringing equality to women.

I'm sorry for the confusing and I will try to be more clear in future posts. Thank you for reading.***


“163 million women are missing from Asia. That is the entire female population of the United States.” 

The feminists who claim the “right to abortion” is what gives them true equality with men should be horrified by this truth. 

Thanks to population control, forced sterilization, forced contraception, and forced abortions in Asia, there are 163 million men without future wives. Rebecca Taylor explains, “This abundance of unmarried men is not a small problem. Unmarried men are more violent than their married counterparts. Crime is now on the rise: 

Between 1992 and 2004 China’s crime rate nearly doubled. In India from 2003 to 2007 rape cases surged over 30 percent and abduction by over 50 percent prompting the government to unveil female-only trains.”

163 million women are missing, and those who are left are living in fear of being raped, kidnapped, and sold as property to ensure rich families a wife for their son. The pro-abortion movement claims that abortion is a fundamental right for women. Where are the feminists now?

http://www.lifenews.com/2011/08/03/legacy-of-population-control-163-million-missing-women/ 

Ladies and Gentlemen

This was originally posted in July of 2011 using tumblr. 

I have a thought. I’ve been reading through the book of Mark, and I noticed the way Jesus talks to women. He always speaks tenderly and respectfully, treats them like ladies, and makes them feel beautiful. Even when talking to the sinners and prostitutes, He treated them with value in a way that no one else ever had. He knows all the terrible things they did, yet He casts no judgement. I can’t imagine being around Jesus and not feeling like a beautiful lady who is worth more than the world to Him. How incredible is that? Not only is it true, but I can have that mindset now. I am a child of God, a beautiful woman He created and loves. And ladies, so are you!

Secondly, it made me wonder about the way men treat women and women treat men. Is there a way for men to treat women that makes them feel like beautiful ladies? Is there a way women can treat men to make them feel like strong men? We live in such a confused world where some women want to be treated like men, some men try to be women, and people are so confused about what being a man or a woman means. Can how Christians treat and talk to each other change that? Jesus treated men and women so differently, but in a completely appropriate, encouraging, and God-glorifying way. How can we do the same to each other? 

Reply to this, message me, or email me with comments. I’d love to hear what you have to say. 

Wow, You're So Judgemental

This was originally posted in May, 2011 on tumblr

Today I had a funny realization. Well, I hope you find it funny, because to me it’s just shameful and embarrassing and a terrible reminder of my humanity. I was reading 1 Peter 2 (one of the most convicting chapters ever) and with each verse I felt like I was being pummeled with more conviction-stones. Verses 11-17 were hard for me to read, especially 17. “Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” Short, sweet, to the point. And horrible. My thought process went something like this: I know some people who aren’t doing this. They are constantly judging and questioning authority. They act like they know everything about this situation, but I heard something else from so-and-so, so they must be wrong. How can they be so judgmental? 

Then came that terrible moment when I actually thought about what I was saying, put myself in the verse instead of everyone else but me, and realized how stupid I am. God likes to do this to me a lot, and I’m still not sure how much I appreciate it. (I’m definitely exaggerating here. Conviction is good, realizing my sin is good, I just hate the sting at first. For some reason believing you’re perfect is easier than working to get rid of sin in your life. Huh.) I was sitting there, Bible open, praying to God, telling Him all about how He needs to go convict this person of their ridiculous sins of ignorance, arrogance, and judgmentalness. I was being judgmental about someone else being judgmental about something that I obviously know nothing about. 

Ouch. 

A teacher at school recently talked about how easy it is for us to compartmentalize our minds. We know about all these sins, wrong ideas, false beliefs, then we place them in boxes in our minds and label them “BAD.” Then, when we meet people who subscribe to these false ideas and beliefs, we put them in those boxes. We lose discernment and begin judging. The person who God loves doesn’t matter any more, because we’re right and they’re wrong. And well, apparently I do this too.

I hope you enjoyed this. I didn’t. 

:)